How I Lost $4,000 Chasing Validation

Hey, ya’ll. I’m baaaaaack. Who knew I would ghost so quickly. Thanks in advance for your grace. I've been getting some contracts in order to shape up Q4 and 2025, which in part inspired this week's column.

This week we're talking about how Queer people love to get into business with each other without establishing a sustainable foundation. This is a beautiful reality within our community because we often lead by trusting each other. And while I don’t want to poo-poo on that, it is essential that get to the other end of the rainbow with legitimate infrastructure But, first, an antidote.  

I honestly can’t believe that after 17 years of an overall successful career, I made this rookie mistake. Looking back I understand why I did what I did, but believe me when I say I’m still scraping my jaw off the floor. I’ve been standing at a fork in the road all year, constantly debating if I should continue to pour myself into those around me or start pouring into myself. After all this time, after all these accomplishments, I’m still insecure about whether or not I can actually do what I want to do on my own. 

Somewhere in all the debate, I finally convinced myself that I was ready to step out from behind the curtain I hung myself. I began revisiting my professional network, identifying people I would be comfortable sharing my aspirations with. Identifying people I had helped along the way who would be eager to lend me a hand. Identifying people who might want to take a chance on someone like me. 

After intentional evaluation and plenty of overthinking, I was ready to begin putting my strategy into play. Much to my surprise, everyone I reached out to was ready to pull up and show out with their support. Opportunities began to pour in from Chicago, NYC, Miami, and LA where I was living at the time. I was so excited to get started, but I had to be mindful. At the time, I still had a full-time commitment and everything I was working on for myself was technically a side hustle. 

One of these opportunities was extended to me by an industry peer. Someone who I have always had great respect for. I had been introduced to him through a mutual years ago when I lived in New York. We lived in the same neighborhood and I would attend as many of his events as possible. He always brought together a great group of people and I would say his social capital was just as valuable as all the other skills and experience he brought to the room. 

We were catching up on the phone when he let me know he was planning on a full seven-day event program during New York Fashion Week. A mix of professional networking, fashion shows, panels, meals, and after-parties. At first, in my head, I was like “Damn girl, that’s a lot.” But I knew if anyone could do it, it was him. He always brought his best to everything he did. I kept my comments to myself though, because in these kinds of exploratory conversations, I believe it is imperative to perpetuate support. To vocalize you believe in someone’s ability to get it done is a powerful and often underestimated tool. 

Naturally, once we finished all the ideation of what the week would be and how I could support, we got into the logistics and challenges. Again, this is why it’s so important to lead with support. By doing so we were able to get into the thick of both creativity and reality. We were able to identify all the aspirations, and then realistically identify the challenges and solutions. Had I led with my own internalized concern, I would have planted seeds of doubt that could easily overshadow the problem-solving we need to do. 

After the conversation ended, I sat in silence and in complete disbelief that I would be one of two industry experts to speak at the networking brunch. This would be a huge honor for me. And if I’m being completely honest, I was desperate for the validation. I think my desperation, amplified by doing business with someone I considered to be somewhere between industry peer and friend, clouded my judgment, Everything began to move quickly. Intro meetings, scripting, virtual rehearsals, and planning sessions took over my schedule. I was all in. Making time every day, using my lunch breaks, and any gaps in between meetings to prepare. I took the opportunity to reach out to my former NYC publicist about re-signing a short-term contract. 

My publicist and I met to review my full strategy and how this panel event during NYFW would be my springboard. We discussed how getting me on the guest list for a few legit fashion shows would help amply my return to NY and get press or professional features. We ended that call with a solid plan. I was confident in everything I was about to embark on. Shortly after my publicist confirmed me for Men’s Fashion Week, PRIVATE POLICY, and Custo Barcelona. Cute. Then the advertising for the panel went live and there was so much excitement about my return to NYC. All of this confirmed that this was what I was supposed to be doing. 

Now it’s time to be honest about the fact that this opportunity didn’t come with a check. I was doing it out of support and as a personal investment into myself. I sat down to go over my budget and baby it was tighter than my reputation as an aspiring bottom but there was no going back. My stubborn ass was not going to give in. 

Reaching out to two of my besties in Queens, they immediately offered to house me which would ultimately save me about $3K in hotel expenses. I switched back to ramen for dinner, stopped Ubering everywhere, and was more than happy to make the sacrifices that needed to be made. There is no success without sacrifice and I was ready. 

The big day came. I woke up before sunrise, made my way to LAX, got on the plane, and didn’t think twice about anything. Landing at JFK, I rushed to the exit and got a cab to my besties’ in Queens letting them know I was on my way. It was then that everything began to fall apart. It was then they let me know I had never confirmed with them and that they were in Connecticut for the weekend. Optimistically I replied, “Oh that’s ok! I still have the spare keys you gave me”. They said “Well that’s the thing, the building updated the locks. You won’t be able to get into the building but you can get into the apartment. Let us reach out to our neighbors and see if anyone can get you in but the issue is that we don’t have another spare key for the front door. Once you leave you’ll be locked out again.” 

It literally started to rain as everything went silent. Looking at the clock, I had ninety minutes before the first show and three hours before the second show. Unfortunately, we couldn’t work it out and I was now redirecting the cab driver to Manhattan. Frantically looking for a hotel and realized that I was gonna have to pay NYFW pricing. Nearly to tears, I find a hotel. Thought I missed the first show, I was keeping myself together. Got checked in, got cute, and got back on the road. Made it to PRIVATE POLICY. What a wonderful show. I got to reconnect with Kelly Coutrone, shared space with Shaun Ross, Slayyyter, and even met the designers. 

My head was back in the game. Yes, I was about to be out thousands of dollars on the hotel room but these things happen. The next morning I woke up and the sun was shining. It was panel day and I was ready to take NY back. Realizing I hadn’t heard from Dillan, I wondered if I should be concerned but I ignored my intuition. I once again got cute and got on the train. As the door trains closed I got a text from Dillan. “Due to unforeseen circumstances, we have to cancel today’s event”. A wave of heat came over me as I grabbed onto a handrail. The event doors were scheduled to open in just fifteen minutes and we’re just now being notified. 

As a former event producer, I know how hard it is to produce. So I stepped out of my emotions and responded with a simple “Thank you for the update and sorry that the event has to be canceled. I’m in town until Monday if you’d like to meet up.” No response of course. I took the morning for myself and made my way to the last fashion show on my schedule. It was great tbh! I got to sit next to Nigel Barker for all my ANTM fans. At this point tho, I was cooked. Totally over it. My besties texted me that they were finally back in Queens and were excited to see me. So I checked out of my hotel and made my way.

While on the road, I got a bullshit email from Dillan’s assistant saying that the event was oversold and going to be so successful that they ultimately had to make the difficult decision to cancel. Like, what?? Girl bye. That actually made me angry. Anyone in event production knows overselling an event doesn’t result in canceling. You refund or let them hoes wait outside. But it didn’t really matter at that point. The damage was done. 

I sat back coming to terms with the decisions I had made, realizing that in spite of my intentional planning, these were impulsive decisions rooted in my attempt to silence my insecurities through external validation. In the end, I blew nearly $4,0000. This was so hard to face because it ultimately resulted in having to pass on an opportunity that came up after returning to LA. An opportunity that would have given me the chance to establish myself in my own creativity. But instead, I poured myself into trying to find myself in other people’s work. Sure, I got some great content out of it but I did not need a real-life experience of how influencers put themselves in debt. 

Looking back, my biggest mistake was not establishing a contract with Dillan. I should have put some sort of terms or conditions into the fact that I was paying my way. Something like a cancellation fee. Anything to protect me. Looking back, I also have no idea why I didn’t ask for any kind of compensation. Yes, I wanted to help a friend but damn. I really didn’t value myself enough to even ask for some sort of check. After seventeen years of doing business, I made the biggest entry-level mistake, thinking that any level of friendship or comradery justifies not having a contract in place. 

What do you think? Did I totally fuck up, was it Dillan’s fault, or was getting to these NYFW shows worth it? Have you ever done business with a friend without a contract or do you have questions about how to better avoid this kind of situation? Email me at ricardo@queerency.com and I may be able to respond in a future column.